I Must Finally Say Goodbye

103 12
Soon, it will be two years since you ceased to be here.
I won't give in to all the basic thought processes we have been trained to perform: that you are in a better place, that you are floating on a cloud with a smile on your transparent angel face, that you are free from all of life's trials.
It absolutely does not agree with my broken heart to try to justify your death with these ridiculous human ritualistic beliefs.
You are gone from me forever, you were robbed of your right to life without even a modicum of being given a choice; but I must believe I will see you again.
I will hang on that one stupid human tradition in order to remain rational.
Yes, God knows I'm angry with him.
Not that I think he "took" you, but he didn't exercise his almighty powers to save you, so he's on my list.
Will this jeopardize my chances of seeing you again? Maybe.
But why should it? Do I not have a right to ask why my son was not saved, when I see so many undeserving idiots being saved? You absolutely never did anything wrong.
You did not need to be punished.
You certainly didn't need to be taught a lesson.
Was this a lesson for me? I once thought so, but now I realize that I cannot possibly be that important to the big picture and the universe that I would need to be punished this way for something stupid I did once upon a time.
Am I afraid of letting God know I'm angry with him? Yes, because of your brothers.
Will God get mad at me again and take one of them to punish me further? Or, maybe your sweet son, will God strike him down to show me who's in charge? NO.
There I go, falling into the trained way of thinking.
Why, would God pick someone as insignificant as me to spend his precious time punishing? He would not, and that is my decision on the matter.
Things happen.
You died in an accident.
I am not being punished.
You are not being punished.
It was an accident.
You are dead.
Do you have any idea how shocking and absolutely devastating that statement is to me? I will tell you this.
After your death, I began to see life differently.
We go through our days thinking this is great, that is bad, the other is worrisome, we're special, we're protected, and we're not finished yet.
Guess what? We were finished the day we drew our first breath, everything in between has been circumstantial.
You are there now.
Why can't I find you? Why can't I know you are alright? To you, my absent son, whom I will never hear laugh again, I say, if you could do it, so can I.
I can now say I no longer am afraid of the beyond.
You went there, alone.
You went there without me by your side, so, I can make the journey if it means I might see you again.
Naturally, there are things I'd like to do first, but I know there were many things you wanted to do first, so I suppose I can let go of mine, you were forced to let go of yours.
You know what really gets me sometimes? I look at some of your stuff that's still sitting in the same place you left it, and I think about all the stuff I've got laying around, and I wonder who's gonna throw it out or save it or pack it up and then forget about it? Your leaving shows me that all this stuff is only important if we want it to be.
All your stuff is still special to me, but other people just look at it and wonder if I need professional help because I still have everything in the last spot you left it, dust and all.
Your Mom misses you.
She loves you still.
Nothing makes missing you any easier.
You were my little buddy.
You were my awesome son.
Are you okay? Is it all good, dude? Do I need to chill? I know that if you could you would tell me, "I've got it covered.
Peace out.
" Can you help me "peace out"? I need you, miss you and love you.
Goodnight, sweet boy.
Remember the prayer we used to say...
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Guide me safely through the night, wake me with the morning light"? You didn't wake with the morning light on that dreadful night, but I desperately have to believe you are okay, because that was your nature.
No matter what the situation, how hard things were going, you always found something to laugh about.
Please be laughing now.
When my time comes to cross over, I want your laughter to guide my way, to guide me to you.
It has to be.
You must be there.
Why else would I continue this life if not for the promise of one day seeing you again? Be there.
Subscribe to our newsletter
Sign up here to get the latest news, updates and special offers delivered directly to your inbox.
You can unsubscribe at any time
You might also like on "Health & Medical"

Leave A Reply

Your email address will not be published.